guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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