I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
