do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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