mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
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Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
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I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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