Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize
