it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
