u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
