im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
