Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
