when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You ruined the universe
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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