So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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