I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Ketchup is God's man juice
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
