She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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