Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
