I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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