Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Sext me about skeletons
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
