I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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