Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
