No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
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well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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