Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
