Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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