I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
