you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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