Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
