I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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