We're facebook friends in real life
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
