at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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