I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
