Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
