note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
