you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
