last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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