im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
last night I used snow as a chaser
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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