dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
