I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
