It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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