Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
