Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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