What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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