broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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