Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
