Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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