I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
