i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I need mimosas to revive my soul
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
