i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
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