he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
