I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This is classic penis vs brain.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
