The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
