By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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