That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
