dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
