he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
