too bad you live with your parents still
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
