So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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