i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
