the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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