I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
